A list of my go-to jokes

July 6th, 2010  |  Published in humor-instruction, idiocy

As you may or may not be aware, I am widely considered something of a "humorist", and it is typically expected that I be "on" twenty-four hours per day.

As I am but human, flaws and all, my wit cannot possibly be maximally sparkling and ebullient at all times.

I therefore keep, in my back pocket, a number of standby jokes, old "go-to" jokes, if you will.

As a service to you, I have compiled them. Feel free to use them. These jokes have not yet failed to elicit laughter, and I have used them all many times. They are each usable in nearly all situations -- that is their beauty.

"Ice-breakers" or "Silence-fillers"

  • I am not racist, but does no one else find it odd that Portugal has produced so many scumbag alcoholics?
  • So I went to the store the other day, to buy a quantity of ammonia and a gasmask, and it was brought to my attention that "inflammable" is roughly synonymous with "flammable", can you believe that? I was in such disbelief of this statement that the manager of the store had to call the cops!
  • So my dear, dear late Grandfather, May God Rest His Soul, just a few days before he died, gave me one of those "advice talk" type things. He looked at me, in my eyes, and said "Karl, I'm not long for this world, but don't ever take a job with a Portuguese, or so help me God I'll rise up from the grave and kill you with a shovel."


  • Well at least I'm not a dirty Iberian, who bathes in mud instead of water, who is drunk all the day long.
  • "That's what she said."
  • Perhaps I should remove my pants and, additionally, remove my shirt, at which point we shall see who is so smug, if it is still you.

"All-occasion jokes"

  • I'd be able to pay much better attention to your stories if your face were prettier.
  • [Point to conversation partner's skull] Is that the outward manifestation of a severe cognitive deformity I see, or are you merely from Portugal?
  • Here's a trick. Think of a number between 1 and 10. That is the number of times I have hated you so far this conversation, hated you so very much.

I can all but guarantee that if you commit these to memory and use them with regularity, you will be the life of the party.